If you were to look at my room especially when I was younger you would have seen that many things did not have a particular spot or all fit neatly--at least not in my teenage mind. The floor seemed just a good a spot as any for my clothes and the dresser top was always a great place to pile the things a little too precious to place on the floor. Even today, I struggle to put things back where they belong ( but thanks to college roommates, this discipline has become more of a norm for me). Now, when it comes to how things work in my mind, I am quite the opposite; I want everything to be neatly categorized.
I'm not sure I knew that about myself in high school. Rather, I thought that my room was a reflection of my thinking, but it was far from the truth. What has shown me this more than anything is my time at Vision of Hope.
When I arrived here I had a lot of questions. When I began asking questions I had my notepad out and was ready to take notes. To my surprise though, I was regularly told "well, it depends..."
What?!? In my head I just could not figure it out! No! I want a hard, fast answer. Why does there have to be options or differences? Why can't it all just fit into a neat little box?
Well that was week 1. Right now I am at month 6, and I often ask myself or someone else a question, and I realize that there is not a clear answer for everyone!
Instead of finding my questions answered in neat boxes, I find myself in this place in between. Instead of being given an answer, I am left with unanswered questions.
Well that is not easy! Nope. It's actually some hard work. Searching, and asking and seeking wisdom.
But it's such a worthwhile effort!
In my black and white mind, I am quick to judge. I see something and determine it based on my perspective?
Sadly, I often misjudge. Learning to not judge, but to ask questions leads to building relationships rather than tearing them apart has been a difficult process.
In my black and white mind, I am easily frustrated because things do not go my way.
When I am willing to let go of my agenda, I can find joy because I often do not have the only or the best way.
In my black and white mind, I try to control how things happen in my system.
As I let go of controlling everything in my mind and making it fit my plans, I can rest in letting The Father be in control, because I was not made to be in control (even though some days I want to be).
Today problems came up as I went through my day, and it did not all go my way and questions did not have easy answers. But as I learn to find a balance I can be ok with challenges and unanswered questions because I know Who is in control and I can trust Him. Also, I can be ok with not having the answers and not being perfect in the eyes of others, because I recognize that I am not the ultimate, I know the Ultimate, and thankfully He is doing His job, and I do not have to be perfect, He's got it.
(And somehow, what may seem chaotic in my mind, He makes into something awe-inspiring and beautiful)
