As a follower of the One who is completely perfect, I've come to realize that I am so wrong! My Father has been good to show that to me and I'm so thankful. He shows me my sinful, self-centered, prideful heart.
Since coming to Vision of Hope I feel like it's been an overhaul on my heart. My chest has been ripped open, my heart has been revealed and the work has intensified.
I guess I knew it was coming. Vision of Hope is a place for helping at-risk young women, which is intimidating in itself, but after the application process I realized the hardest part would be seeing my own heart and working on that. I was warned, but still it has been challenging.
To help illustrate this a little bit, here at Vision of Hope and F*ith Ch*rch the focus is really put on the motivations. That means that rather than just talking about not doing _______ (which could be cutting, binging and purging, drinking etc.) We instead focus on what they are seeking or looking for when they do these things. It might be comfort, control, acceptance, escape, pleasure, or any number of things (and to clarify, this isn't just something that one can look at and diagnose in someone else, without the full picture. That would be unwise, however as the counselor spends time with the counselee they can help them identify this.) When I was exposed to this teaching, my toes got stepped on. I may not struggle with the same outward sins like our residents do. I have never had an unplanned pregnancy, or an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I do struggle with being anxious when I have an approaching deadline. I respond in anger and frustration toward others. I don't always have a good attitude when I am assigned a task I don't like. When I start to think about it, my MOTIVATION is the exact same as those struggling with much more obvious sins. I can't blame my circumstances and say, "They made me respond in anger and frustration" because really, IT'S MY OWN HEART. At times it is because i was wanting to be in control, and when I didn't get my way I responded sinfullly. Other times I am upset because I didn't look good in front of others that I wanted to accept me... the list could go on.
To summarize, what I think is just a small sin, really shows my heart is sinful and my chief desire is something very different than pleasing my Savior (2 Cor. 5:9). It's very exposing. I'm not a good person who does nice things, nope I am a sinner who often does nice things for the praise of others. I young woman who can't get through the day without thinking about self for even 10 minutes. No I'm not good, I am wretched. My chest has been opened up and there is nothing left hidden. And unlike open heart surgery, I can't just pay someone to fix it for me, it's going to be a process for the rest of my life (Phil 1:6)
The best part, however, is that it is for my good. In the moment it seems really scary and painful but the goal in the end is me being more like my Savior. And even better than that, the Father is glorified through me!!! I can show others His goodness and the change in my life shows what His character is! Somehow, He is going to turn this sinful mess into something that shouts out to others, "The Father is real, because there's no way Timea could have done that on her own!" and "The Father is gracioius, because somehow that awful sinner Timea just got blessed again!" being used by Him, there's no better calling than that!
This post was written originally around 3/1/2014
Well said. :)
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